just like clockwork i seem to have fallen into the same old mentalities and thoughts. it would seem that all i do is spend my time at work or thinking about work. i rarely have the time to spend time with what friends i have left. i honestly look forward to just being able to sit around with my housemates and talk nonsense. but whenever i’m alone i feel the crushing feeling of being alone once again. it sneaks up on me and brings me to my knees every time. work has been the distraction that i always needed but as soon as its over its all i can think of. i haven’t been able to sleep properly in weeks, either the nightmares or over-thinking keeps at me. i don’t really know where to go from here. i’m stuck between being alone forever or being tormented by myself.
lately i’ve been seeing glimpses of figures that aren’t there. sometimes the talking starts. i can usually push through it. some days its easier, when i can occupy my thoughts with other trivial things, but some days its constant. there has been thoughts that maybe i should quit my medications, maybe i can confront them head on. or maybe return back to full time treatment. just thoughts, somethings that i’ve been thinking of.
just need one change.
after finally waking up this afternoon from a long nights sleep there has been a few things stuck in my mind. to put it simply is this. i am a 22 year old male who has no direction in life and is dreadfully alone. i am heavily tattooed, socially awkward and overweight individual stuck into the regimes of weaker men. i have long forgotten the memories of being with someone, with only the nightmares remaining, but would relish the opportunity to relive the greater days. but honestly, i do not believe i am capable of such actions. some days i can barely look into the eyes of those around me, for fear they will see who i truly am. some days are harder than others, depending on whether or not my mind gives into my illness. i have never wanted to believe it was that, but the doctors have always insisted that being bipolar was. it had always made me feel like i was broken but always seeking repair. it has never been my intention to give into it like i have in the past but the urges remain, nagging me every day, every moment of grace. most days i can ignore the voice with menial tasks and distractions, but lately it has remained vigilant, beating me whilst i’m down. i am unaware of how to change, and have spent the greater part of my life wondering how to. how do i not be me? this question haunts me.
honestly, i have tried to avoid this. sometimes writing my thoughts out have granted me clarity. sometimes it reiterates the circles that have embedded themselves so deeply into my psyche. i haven’t been able to put pen to paper; fingers to keyboard to bring myself to admit the following. i am genuinely concerned that i cannot go on with what i have been doing with my life. yes, i have a great job. yes, i live with some amazing people. yes, my music is slowly getting back to a level. but i am genuinely unhappy with my life. there is always something missing. every morning i wake up, put on my fake smile and go out to brave the world. after hours away from any form of sanctuary i return, defeated. its getting harder and harder to play the game. and every time it gets harder and harder to come back.
tonight was different. everything was going as well as it seems. but everything came back in an simple utter of two words. i went from a strong front to being completely wrecked inside. there was a while when i considered everything to be different. but every time it crashes down around me. i can’t keep this up for much longer. perhaps its my current sullen mood but the lonely monotonous everyday is killing me. i see no future, i see no benefits. all i see is time being wasted, filling in the gaps between one disappointment and another. sometimes i wish i was more confident within myself to discuss these things with those around me but i do not want to bring down the mood of others with my trivial idiocy. i have had to adapt into a person who is alone, a notion that doesn’t come easy to realize. i write these entries as a means to close the gap that i have unwillingly created between myself and others, and to attempt to relieve some of the thoughts that attack me.
i sincerely hope i don’t see tomorrow, not yet.
it has been some time since i’ve made an entry to this journal. a lot has happened, the ebb and flow of life crashed at an inopportune moment. i can only help but pick myself up from the rocks once again despite the constant crashing waves. once again smashed repeatedly into the rocks, i’m getting tired of this. i made a promise to not give up to someone who seemingly didn’t remember. i couldn’t lose this person, if circumstances were better i would give them the world to make them happy, but they decided to leave of their own accord. i don’t want to think of what would happen if… but the past is the past, and the future beckons. its that uncertainty of things to come that plays in the back of my mind. logically it would be a shame to leave before the third act. sometimes i wonder about it, daydream about it even. not quite sure of the outcome though. sometimes i wonder about being alone, and honestly i don’t know how to change this. i’ve been waking up in sheer terror, heart-racing mid-panic attack with this constant fear. i don’t know what to do. i certainly can’t talk to anyone about it or ask for help. i can’t even talk about this subject openly, my only prospect of talking is in written word. alas no one to direct it to so here I am, once again, staring hopelessly at a dim-lightened screen in a dark room. i find myself at this junction too often to be comfortable here. i recently spent a few days back with family, amongst the boredom i found memories i chose to forgot, for good reason. i honestly miss ‘her’, mostly as a friend. she was one person i never lied to and was always most at ease with. i was truly myself, for greater or in my case for worse. need a distraction from this, perhaps my music will distract me. i once put down my guitar because of her, all i could remember was her in her red dress in one of my favorite memories, but maybe the reason it is one of my favored memories is because of the music not from her. funny thing is that as i remember it the night was in monochrome until i saw her. funny how memories can be so picturesque, like from a movie. there is a lot i need to change but no where to start. perhaps i may be a lost cause, but i hope, just hope, something changes. i need a break from all the negatives around here. somethings gotta give. i honestly can’t take one more negative.
i’m not the kind of person who actively seeks help but it seems after the last few days of turmoil amongst my family i need it. i just want to give in to the same temptations that have plagued my family for decades. just over it.
time makes fools of us all it seems. i thought i had a clearer understanding of the world around me but it seems to be as translucent as ever. part of the reason i decided to move was to try and find work and it would seem to have not come yet. despite my greatest efforts to acquire the smallest of work i have come up trumps. i cannot begin to describe how disheartening it is to make that revelation. it would seem i am the unemployable scum of the earth. part of the generation without cause or reason. some find it easy to fall into positions of success whereas i am quite used to my history of constant failures. everyday i find myself more and more in debt, both monetary and emotional. i keep taking out of something that has no value. i feel my breaking point being pushed past its limit but still i hold strong with only momentary lapses into the obscure and lost side of me. i need the change to make myself a better man. everything that has been happening has pushed me into closer segregation. i miss people, i miss my music, i miss being genuinely happy. perhaps i need to get back to the doctors, pill up and lose myself once again. perhaps i should do the opposite, quit my medicine and give in to the nihilistic thoughts that plague the back of my mind constantly, eating away at my fragile psyche. i feel more lost than i have in recent memory. without reason, without verse, without hope. something needs to change, i need a positive to my negative. sometimes the curse of what i am is enough to deter certain realizations, these days its not. these nights are lost to thoughts of broken words and ideas.
what makes a person who they are? is it the experiences and lessons learnt along the way or is it something within ourselves, something in the infrastructure of everyone. it seems as much as i try and escape the reality of a situation it always returns, with a vengeance. i need to change as i see only self destruction laid ahead. sometimes my mind plays tricks on me, its like i become someone else when i have to to survive. sometimes i forget the last 5 years and am placed somewhere i choose not to be. i shut myself off, visions provoking my emotions, and yet i remain still. there would appear to be nothing on my mind, when in reality, its everything. i think about how ive dissappointed my friends, family and myself, i think about how many chances i’ve thrown away, i think about the best moments in my short life, and the worst moments. what have i done is perpetually in my mind these days, like a slideshow, a highlights reel of my low life. the skies here aren’t the peaceful black i’m used to laying on my back and watching, its a poisonous brown. i need to change something in my life to keep the venom down. the only thing i can think of is to find someone else, but who would want this poison.
what can i say. i’d abandoned writing for a while. couldn’t find the right words or diction to describe what has been in my head as of late. a lot has changed and yet so little is different. where to start… recently i made the move to a much larger city, brisbane. initially it was a culture shock of sorts. it had been so long since i was away from family. i forgot how much they mean to me. but to retort, i forgot how much i’ve done to them. i find it too odd to converse with them now. must look into why that is. i worry about them, as im sure they worry about me. i know its not as far as i have been before but it feels different now. surreal. worry and fret seem to have become me. can’t sleep at night anymore. need to escape but can’t, don’t know how. i abhor what money does to a person. it seems to be the backbone of every facet of life somehow when all you do is worry it. can’t escape. the days here seem to blur. perhaps i really am deeper in this rut then i initially thought. 3 days lost to monstrous thoughts of self destruction and torment. need to fight. losing. it would seem the cornerstone of surviving in this world is amongst its companionships. something i seem to oblivious to. how do people meet and gain friends? i cannot understand these concepts but not for a lack of trying. how does a person change their core structure? i need to change to survive. to evolve. i need more people in my life. it seems some of those i believed to be close really aren’t. i can’t think of a single person who i used to know who would willingly contact me. sad thought. the worst part is i do not know if i have lost that last part of sanity that protects me from the paranoia. the whispers come back from time to time. blurs and lights in eyes. need to forget they happened and move on. i want to get better. i forget who i am at times, happier times. i don’t know what to do anymore.
late nights alone keep me in wonder of some things. i wonder about how the stars move, why the sun must come up in the morning and who am i as a person. there is some indisputable truth out there to all these ponderings i have. sometimes i get lost and rant if a topic can repel me from the utmost truth. there is always a slow rambling happening in my mind at all times, sometimes i can hear it like a dull roar, then others it shouts at me from across the span of my mind. i’ve always wondered if this was just my conscience speaking out of place, but it isn’t the only slow roll happening. there are times when i am placed amongst a situation that makes me uncertain or uneasy. to be honest, this happens much more then what it should. i rue and lament being by myself sometimes, it leaves too much room for interpretation when i most commonly feel lost. but i always face the same questions. i feel as though i cannot begin to understand what i need to do. i can’t find a house to live in; can’t find a job to live on; can’t find a girl to live with. how does everyone find and uphold a certain level of normalcy or contentment? i honestly try my hardest at times but things never seem to fall in my favor. i’ve considered the alternative, the “easy” way out, but i never break a promise to my blood and my family. its an odd sensation to want a way out but can’t by own means, you see situations and opportunities that normal people wouldn’t see. but i always try to consider things and try to keep positive but as i told someone earlier this week, you can only live on hopes and dreams for so long before you starve. heres the part where i seek guidance from a higher power, but alas i believe in not such fanciful beliefs. i do however seek some sort of guidance from this fortuitous verse we are in where chaos rules all. i just need some order to my chaos.
i sit alone most nights wondering about what i can do to turn my life around and always come up blank. i don’t have anything to look forward to anymore. i cannot understand the world, so many things confuse me, people mostly. why is it so difficult to find a job? or a house in another city? or people who want me around? i feel like i’ve wasted so many moments in life. quiet recollection is all i have, and i am sick of being quiet. how can some people be granted such ignorant bliss when others suffer? there is so much wrong in the world and yet no light to guide the forgotten. need to get away from everything. i am amidst a extended lapse of loneliness as i house sit. there is no one around, not even on the streets, the only interaction being that through online means. thoughts linger like a bad smell. i try to get away, but everything just comes chasing after me. i am absolutely jealous of my friends. they have lives, friends, partners, ambitions, jobs, dreams, lives, loves, and yet i fail to see anything similar in my life. sometimes it makes me inwardly angry, but most times makes me sad. i just plainly don’t see how to achieve such things. there is someone i would like to know better, but am unaware of how to talk to her. i feel as though i am worthless and not worth troubling some nice girl about. all i think about these days is despair, not something to talk to her about. no money and no looks always plays in my head too. i try to change but my circumstances never change. so i dull the pain with various means, drugs, videogames, movies. anything to make me feel as though im not going insane. i cry way too often a guy my age with my life ahead of me. sometimes it feels like my brain is split. it feels like there is always two thoughts to prove a fact. which one do i believe? they both can’t be right. who do i believe if i can’t believe myself? perhaps i should lose myself to the incessant droning and say goodbye.